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How do new family members develop a family identity and acquire family membership?

 

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I have a dreaded disease! It has caused me a great deal of pain and embarrassment. Not to mention what it has done to others. I think it is fairly common. It is not a respecter of persons, age, or gender. You are asking – What is it? Well, it is motor mouth. I like to talk and talk and talk. So, when I think about relationship development and how new family members find their identity and place in a family – talk is important. Through talk we share and they learn. For that matter they share and we learn. (If I can stop talking.) Does it matter what we talk about? Or does it just matter that we talk?

Communication scholars refer to talk as self-disclosure and define it as “…the process by which one person verbally reveals information about himself or herself (including thoughts, feelings, and experiences) to another person (Derlega, Metts, Petronio, & Margulis, 1993). According to their definition of talk, the content of the conversation does matter, it requires depth. A chat about the weather hardly would classify as self-disclosure. For the rest of this blog I will differentiate between talk and self-disclosure.  Talk is surface speech.  Self-disclosure is in-depth and personal.

 

 The take home message here is that in order to connect on a deeper level in a relationship, we have to self-disclose about ourselves and be willing to reveal personal information. The new family member looking to gain membership in the family must be willing to reveal and family must be willing to reciprocate. Self-disclosure is a major part of our social world and it is the key to relationship development (Dindia, Fitzpatrick, & Kenney).

 I know, I can hear you saying – I am not going to tell a stranger all my secrets. No way!  Of course not right away, but as you talk and begin to understand and trust each other (no more strangers), the discussions will become more personal. Dindia, Fitzpatrick, & Kenney say that your conversations will begin with biographic or demographic information. Such as: Where were you born? Where did you move from? Do you have children?  Where do you work? As the relationship develops, it will move to a more personal tone and the amount of personal self-disclosure will increase. Research has shown that the more your partner reveals to you – the more you reveal in return. It is not just about more revelation, it is about sharing more highly intimate feelings.

But, I have a question for you?  What if you do not like this new family member? Dindia and associates cited several scholars that claim “liking” someone as a basis for disclosing. You are less likely to disclose, or for that matter, even talk to someone you do not like, even if they are new family members. However, their (Dindia, Fitzpatrick, & Kenny) research found that “liking” did not change reciprocity levels in disclosure. They say that self-disclosure is reciprocal.  Individuals will adjust to a partner as the partner adjusts to them. So, even though I do not like my new family member, I will share with them.

Disclosing private family information is key for new family members to transition into the family group (Serewicz, Hosmer, Ballard, Griffin). New family members feel they are granted access and membership to the family through disclosure as family members share family stories and feelings. Serewics and associates identified relevant topics of disclosure in relationship development among family members, most of them being seen as “operating instructions” for gaining membership. The “operating instructions” include: relational trouble, historical identity, and acceptance as a family member.

Relational trouble begins with the disclosure of negative feelings about the new family member or when family members are intrusive. This trouble can be averted by family members disclosing acceptance and sharing positive feelings. It is also important to recognize boundaries. Clearly, self-disclosure is not always positive. The amount and type of information disclosed will have an effect on the way it is received. I think that no disclosure is harmful as well.  As we have already discussed, there is reciprocity with self-disclosure. Therefore, if no self-disclosure exists – there is no relationship development.

Historical identity refers to storytelling and traditions. Disclosing family stories and traditions to new family members gives them the opportunity to develop their own family identity. It also opens up the discussion about their stories and birth family’s traditions. This self-disclosure helps to navigate the blending of cultures.

 

So, I want to build a strong relationship with a new family member. It is clear that I must be willing to self-disclose (not just talk) with the new member. The relationship will be weak at the beginning, but ties tend to become stronger over time. Research has shown that they will respond by sharing intimate information with me as well. If I want the relationship to be positive, I must be careful about disclosing positive accepting information. Self-disclosure is important for the development of family identity and is a tool that is available to all family members to strengthen family ties. 

A couple of interesting side notes, Dindia and associates found that self-disclosure is not a personality trait and that women do not disclose more than men.

References

Derelega, V. J., Metts, S., Petronio, S., & Magulis, S. T. (1993). Self-disclosure. Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

Dindia, K., Fitzpatrick, M. A., & Kenny, D. (1997). Self-disclosure in spouse and stranger interaction – A social relations analysis. Human Communication Research, 23, 388-412.

Serewicz, M. C. M., Hosmer, R., Ballard, R. L., & Griffin, R. A. (2008). Disclosure from in-laws and the quality of in-law and marital relationships. Communication Quarterly, 56, 427-444.