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How do new family members develop a family identity and acquire family membership?

 

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I have a dreaded disease! It has caused me a great deal of pain and embarrassment. Not to mention what it has done to others. I think it is fairly common. It is not a respecter of persons, age, or gender. You are asking – What is it? Well, it is motor mouth. I like to talk and talk and talk. So, when I think about relationship development and how new family members find their identity and place in a family – talk is important. Through talk we share and they learn. For that matter they share and we learn. (If I can stop talking.) Does it matter what we talk about? Or does it just matter that we talk?

Communication scholars refer to talk as self-disclosure and define it as “…the process by which one person verbally reveals information about himself or herself (including thoughts, feelings, and experiences) to another person (Derlega, Metts, Petronio, & Margulis, 1993). According to their definition of talk, the content of the conversation does matter, it requires depth. A chat about the weather hardly would classify as self-disclosure. For the rest of this blog I will differentiate between talk and self-disclosure.  Talk is surface speech.  Self-disclosure is in-depth and personal.

 

 The take home message here is that in order to connect on a deeper level in a relationship, we have to self-disclose about ourselves and be willing to reveal personal information. The new family member looking to gain membership in the family must be willing to reveal and family must be willing to reciprocate. Self-disclosure is a major part of our social world and it is the key to relationship development (Dindia, Fitzpatrick, & Kenney).

 I know, I can hear you saying – I am not going to tell a stranger all my secrets. No way!  Of course not right away, but as you talk and begin to understand and trust each other (no more strangers), the discussions will become more personal. Dindia, Fitzpatrick, & Kenney say that your conversations will begin with biographic or demographic information. Such as: Where were you born? Where did you move from? Do you have children?  Where do you work? As the relationship develops, it will move to a more personal tone and the amount of personal self-disclosure will increase. Research has shown that the more your partner reveals to you – the more you reveal in return. It is not just about more revelation, it is about sharing more highly intimate feelings.

But, I have a question for you?  What if you do not like this new family member? Dindia and associates cited several scholars that claim “liking” someone as a basis for disclosing. You are less likely to disclose, or for that matter, even talk to someone you do not like, even if they are new family members. However, their (Dindia, Fitzpatrick, & Kenny) research found that “liking” did not change reciprocity levels in disclosure. They say that self-disclosure is reciprocal.  Individuals will adjust to a partner as the partner adjusts to them. So, even though I do not like my new family member, I will share with them.

Disclosing private family information is key for new family members to transition into the family group (Serewicz, Hosmer, Ballard, Griffin). New family members feel they are granted access and membership to the family through disclosure as family members share family stories and feelings. Serewics and associates identified relevant topics of disclosure in relationship development among family members, most of them being seen as “operating instructions” for gaining membership. The “operating instructions” include: relational trouble, historical identity, and acceptance as a family member.

Relational trouble begins with the disclosure of negative feelings about the new family member or when family members are intrusive. This trouble can be averted by family members disclosing acceptance and sharing positive feelings. It is also important to recognize boundaries. Clearly, self-disclosure is not always positive. The amount and type of information disclosed will have an effect on the way it is received. I think that no disclosure is harmful as well.  As we have already discussed, there is reciprocity with self-disclosure. Therefore, if no self-disclosure exists – there is no relationship development.

Historical identity refers to storytelling and traditions. Disclosing family stories and traditions to new family members gives them the opportunity to develop their own family identity. It also opens up the discussion about their stories and birth family’s traditions. This self-disclosure helps to navigate the blending of cultures.

 

So, I want to build a strong relationship with a new family member. It is clear that I must be willing to self-disclose (not just talk) with the new member. The relationship will be weak at the beginning, but ties tend to become stronger over time. Research has shown that they will respond by sharing intimate information with me as well. If I want the relationship to be positive, I must be careful about disclosing positive accepting information. Self-disclosure is important for the development of family identity and is a tool that is available to all family members to strengthen family ties. 

A couple of interesting side notes, Dindia and associates found that self-disclosure is not a personality trait and that women do not disclose more than men.

References

Derelega, V. J., Metts, S., Petronio, S., & Magulis, S. T. (1993). Self-disclosure. Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

Dindia, K., Fitzpatrick, M. A., & Kenny, D. (1997). Self-disclosure in spouse and stranger interaction – A social relations analysis. Human Communication Research, 23, 388-412.

Serewicz, M. C. M., Hosmer, R., Ballard, R. L., & Griffin, R. A. (2008). Disclosure from in-laws and the quality of in-law and marital relationships. Communication Quarterly, 56, 427-444.

Creating the Sense of Belonging With the In-law Family

How do new family members develop a family identity and acquire family membership?

Do you remember a time when you were in a new situation - one that pushed you out of your comfort zone?  You may have chosen this experience and quite possibly been very excited for the journey – BUT you were still uncomfortable.  I can think of many times in my life this has happened to me – most of them social situations. Like the new job, a move to a new city, and yes – a new marriage. I not only became a wife, but also a daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I did not know exactly what those titles meant and what my role in the family was. Supposedly, I belonged to a new family, except they were not my family. In legal terms they were kin, but in my mind they were nice people that were related to my husband.

 Since my new husband whisked me off to a new city, many miles from our families, neither of us had to worry about interacting with them on a regular basis. But what of you women and men who live in the same town? How often do you want to be around these nice people? Studies have shown that 57% (Lopata) of us practice some type of avoidance when it comes to the mother-in-law. The only way I could avoid contact was not to answer the phone, which I did occasionally. Back to those of you who live closer to your in-laws.  C. M. Prentice discovered that a foundation for relationships is laid during the dating and courtship period that will affect the in-law relationship. By interacting during the dating process, individuals come to know and recognize the routines of the family.  They learn the way they communicate and what some of the family traditions and stories are.  This helps prepare us for the time when membership in the family becomes available. Although this is good for  relationship building, it is not always possible to interact before the marriage. For all of us, adjusting to a new family produces many direct and indirect ways for us to communicate. Everyone has the opportunity to share verbally and socially.  Did your spouse’s family explain the way they conducted their family life or did they just expect you to figure it out? According to C. M. Prentice most families expect you to figure it out and it is only verbalized when there is tension.

 

Tension is a normal part of family life and it can be addressed or swept under the rug. C. M. Prentice found that often the spouse/son or daughter is the mediator between their family and their spouse. This seems to help deal with the conflict and keeps it “cordial”, but it also creates a couple of problems. The mediator is now in the middle of the tension and therefore, there is no communication between the parents-in-law and child-in-law.  This diminishes the opportunity for direct conversation and interferes with relationship development for the pair. It also interferes with the new marriage as it often makes the spouse choose sides between their parents or their new partner.

There were other things involved with my integration into my husband’s family. There were expectations of what the relationship should be (for all of us) but there were no clear definitions of what my role was. I already had a mother and preferred to keep a close relationship with her and my mother-in-law seemed to understand that. I was lucky and realize that many of you have not experienced this understanding because multiple studies report that the mother-in-law is critical and intrusive. I did not have to worry about criticism from my mother-in-law.  However, it wasn’t just my mother-in-law that I had to interact with. There was an entire or group of people, all with their own routines, expectations of me, and day-to-day activities. 

I think of my first experience with my spouse’s entire family.  It was overwhelming, there were a lot of people and the conversations flowed freely. (I should say rampaged freely.) This was foreign to me because I came from a small family. They all talked at the same time.  They teased incessantly.  I did not know what to say or how to contribute.  So I didn’t.  Not an unusual feeling for a new family member. Research shows that the size of the family-of-origin will influence the way we converse.  Large families usually have many conversations going on at the same time. Those of us who are used to one conversation because our family was small, will either have to learn new techniques for conversing or seek out our own private two-party conversations. As for the teasing – well – I adjusted and learned to tease with the best of them. It is possible that the in-law family could be willing to make adjustments too, but most often the family communication style has been practiced for generations and it is difficult for a family to make the change.  Bottom line here is that the new member will usually have to make the adjustment as is supported by C. M, Prentice's study.

So when did I start feeling like I was part of the family? That is really hard to pinpoint, but it started small and simple.  His mother would call weekly for an update and many times it was me who spoke to her.  When children arrived it was me who told her the cute stories.  When my father-in-law was ill and needed care, it was me who took care of him. I was the one who remembered to send the birthday cards.  This is not unusual, as many women care for family members and relate family stories and activities. Communication scholars would say that I had adopted the role in the family as a kinkeeper and caregiver, through this process I began to self-identify with my husband’s family. C.  M. Prentice identified other roles that are assumed by new comers and they are: entertainers, kitchen helper, jokester, child entertainer, and many others. By adopting these roles, we begin to enter into the family.

According to Lopata, a sociologist, we gain our knowledge from everyday routines, from our ability to monitor our own behavior and explain it to others, and an understanding of what motivates our actions. Routines are then part of the foundation of our family interactions- some good, some bad- and are part of our family communication patterns. When a newcomer is introduced to the family those communication patterns are disrupted and therefore tension may be created.  This is normal. Those who are new should understand that gaining memberships is a process which most often happens through our communication activities and patterns. Family identity is created by the roles we assume in the family and continued social interaction. Through communication we begin to blend into a family.  We recognize our own behavior and have the ability to explain it to others.  We also have the ability to recognize why we act the way we do and why we say what we say. Through these processes their family can become our family and we are recognized as part of their family.

A final note.  The process for me did not happen in a blink. It took many years and of course, there were difficult times. My final thought is to remember that this is a process. While I was learning to blend into my husband's family I regularly pondered this – It took my mother and me many years to become close and create the relationship that we had. Therefore, it will take time for me to develop a close relationship with my husband’s family. I am no longer blessed to have either my mother or my mother-in-law in my life, but I can tell you that when they left this world – they were both my family.

References

Lopata, H. Z. (2012. In-laws and the concept of family. Marriage and Family Review, 28, 161-172.

Prentice, C. M. (2008). The assimilation of in-laws: The impact of newcomers on the communication routines of families. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 36, 74-97.

Workplace and Friendship Development

Research Question: How does the relationship development literature apply to in-law relationships?

We have all experienced that first day at a new job - the nervousness, the anticipation, and vulnerability of being the new employee. As you begin your new job, you are probably assigned a mentor.  Someone you hope will guide you through this awkward stage until you can become comfortable.  Until you can find people who support you and have your back.  Did you know that many friendships begin at the workplace?  Have you ever considered how this happens and why you would become friends with people you did not voluntarily choose to bring into your life?

Patricia Sias and Daniel Cahill conducted research to answer just those questions. They interviewed 38 individuals about their perceptions of their workplace friendships. Their research showed that workplace relationships often develop into friendships, many of them close. Friendships in the workplace offer support and a system of allies.

Although it appears that we have no choice in our workplace friendships, Rawlins disagrees. He states, “Friendship cannot be imposed on people; it is an ongoing human association voluntarily developed and privately negotiated.” So, while I may not choose whom I work with, I do get a choice in those I befriend.

Then, how do I choose my friends at work? According to Sias & Cahill, there are three things that contribute to friendships at work.  The first one is the proximity.  We are spending all day together working on related projects for our organization. Maybe we are in the same department or our cubicles are side by side. Because of this we will begin to “size” each other up through day to day talk, looking for similarities (which is step 2) we have in common.  Do you like sports? So do I.  Do you have children?  So do I.  Are you quiet and reserved? So am I. This communication process allows us to identify with our co-workers.  Many studies have stated that if we find enough similarities we progress in our friendship. We talk more and more freely.  We begin to share ideas and feelings (step 3). Sias & Cahill found that this is not the only indicator of relationships development.  When individuals who are dissimilar are given the opportunity to work together on tasks – they are given the opportunity to create a friendship that might not have otherwise blossomed.

Teboul and Cole have identified a more complex development process for friendship in the workplace. They focus on the evolutionary aspect of the relationship, which includes reciprocal altruism, preference for similarity, and sensitivity toward prestige hierarchies.      

Reciprocal altruism is defined as the expectation of repayment. For example, a co-worker helps you finish your report that is due within the hour.  They expect you will repay them when they have a need. This also helps control precious resources. Those resources can be time, talent, love, money, goods, services, and knowledge. Most co-workers strive to keep the favors in balance; no one likes a free loader. There are times when co-workers will expend valuable resources with no expectation that the favors will be repaid.  This usually happens when the relationship has become very close.

Preference for similarity as discussed by Sias & Cahill incorproate some of the research of Teboul & Cole yet, they note that we look for similarities in order to coordinate our efforts. Like minded individuals will perform similarly. Think of groups who work well together – often they are individuals with common goals and values. It removes some of the doubt and frustration of working together in a group.

Sensitivity toward prestige hierarchies focuses on group status and power. Part of your day when you are a new employee is looking for individuals that will help you succeed.  Do they have knowledge of the skills you need to learn? Are they in a position of power over me?  Can they help me climb the ranks in the organization? You are deciding what relationships will benefit you.  Once you have identified those who can help you, you many use one of these strategies according to Teboul & Cole when approaching those with influence.  You might offer a favor, use friendship or loyalty, speak kindly to those in power, or ask for advice.

Social interaction helps employees regulate their activities and emotion daily. It is through joint effort that employees find relationships that help with the creation of individual well-being. This can be recognized through willingness to train or teach a new employee about their job. If questions are met with kindness and patience, there is greater likelihood that a friendship could develop.  

Relationship development is not linear at work. Because relationships ebb and flow, it is more of a scatter approach to development. Teboul & Cole found that employees will choose friendships based on what the other individual has to offer them in addition to what they have in common.

When a relationship becomes a “best friend” relationship they are beginning to spend time together outside of work. There is freedom to discuss work-related problems and there is a feeling of closeness. Sias & Cahill found that employees turned to their friends for support and assistance when confronted with frustrations with their supervisors. They often sought advice from their friends. Many individuals will stay at their present jobs because of close relationships.

Relationships definitely develop at work and the research identifies several of the factors used by individuals as they initiate relationships.  Those are proximity, similarity, reciprocal altruism, shared feelings and emotion, and sensitivity toward prestige hierarchies. It is clear that individuals have choice in friendship development at work.

With this discussion of friendship development at work some questions have occurred to me. It has become more common for individuals to work from home using technology, which means employees do not share proximity.

If friendship is an important part of personal identity and health, how does the use of computer mediated workplace affect the spectrum of friendship development? When people do not share proximity and space, will they fail to develop those needed friendships?  Are relationships important in the workforce? Will proximity be replaced as an influential factor in workplace friendship development? If so, what will replace it? Tell me what you think.

Resources

Rawlins, W.K. (1992). Friendship matters: Communication, dialects, and the life course. New York: Aldine de Gruyter.

Sias, P.M. & Cahill, D.J. (1998). From coworkers to friends: The development of peer friendships in the workplace. Western Journal of Communication, 62, p. 273-299.

Teboul J.C. & Cole, T. (2005). Relationship development and workplace integration: An evolutionary perspective. Communication Theory, 15, p. 389-413.