Creating the Sense of Belonging With the In-law Family

How do new family members develop a family identity and acquire family membership?

Do you remember a time when you were in a new situation - one that pushed you out of your comfort zone?  You may have chosen this experience and quite possibly been very excited for the journey – BUT you were still uncomfortable.  I can think of many times in my life this has happened to me – most of them social situations. Like the new job, a move to a new city, and yes – a new marriage. I not only became a wife, but also a daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I did not know exactly what those titles meant and what my role in the family was. Supposedly, I belonged to a new family, except they were not my family. In legal terms they were kin, but in my mind they were nice people that were related to my husband.

 Since my new husband whisked me off to a new city, many miles from our families, neither of us had to worry about interacting with them on a regular basis. But what of you women and men who live in the same town? How often do you want to be around these nice people? Studies have shown that 57% (Lopata) of us practice some type of avoidance when it comes to the mother-in-law. The only way I could avoid contact was not to answer the phone, which I did occasionally. Back to those of you who live closer to your in-laws.  C. M. Prentice discovered that a foundation for relationships is laid during the dating and courtship period that will affect the in-law relationship. By interacting during the dating process, individuals come to know and recognize the routines of the family.  They learn the way they communicate and what some of the family traditions and stories are.  This helps prepare us for the time when membership in the family becomes available. Although this is good for  relationship building, it is not always possible to interact before the marriage. For all of us, adjusting to a new family produces many direct and indirect ways for us to communicate. Everyone has the opportunity to share verbally and socially.  Did your spouse’s family explain the way they conducted their family life or did they just expect you to figure it out? According to C. M. Prentice most families expect you to figure it out and it is only verbalized when there is tension.

 

Tension is a normal part of family life and it can be addressed or swept under the rug. C. M. Prentice found that often the spouse/son or daughter is the mediator between their family and their spouse. This seems to help deal with the conflict and keeps it “cordial”, but it also creates a couple of problems. The mediator is now in the middle of the tension and therefore, there is no communication between the parents-in-law and child-in-law.  This diminishes the opportunity for direct conversation and interferes with relationship development for the pair. It also interferes with the new marriage as it often makes the spouse choose sides between their parents or their new partner.

There were other things involved with my integration into my husband’s family. There were expectations of what the relationship should be (for all of us) but there were no clear definitions of what my role was. I already had a mother and preferred to keep a close relationship with her and my mother-in-law seemed to understand that. I was lucky and realize that many of you have not experienced this understanding because multiple studies report that the mother-in-law is critical and intrusive. I did not have to worry about criticism from my mother-in-law.  However, it wasn’t just my mother-in-law that I had to interact with. There was an entire or group of people, all with their own routines, expectations of me, and day-to-day activities. 

I think of my first experience with my spouse’s entire family.  It was overwhelming, there were a lot of people and the conversations flowed freely. (I should say rampaged freely.) This was foreign to me because I came from a small family. They all talked at the same time.  They teased incessantly.  I did not know what to say or how to contribute.  So I didn’t.  Not an unusual feeling for a new family member. Research shows that the size of the family-of-origin will influence the way we converse.  Large families usually have many conversations going on at the same time. Those of us who are used to one conversation because our family was small, will either have to learn new techniques for conversing or seek out our own private two-party conversations. As for the teasing – well – I adjusted and learned to tease with the best of them. It is possible that the in-law family could be willing to make adjustments too, but most often the family communication style has been practiced for generations and it is difficult for a family to make the change.  Bottom line here is that the new member will usually have to make the adjustment as is supported by C. M, Prentice's study.

So when did I start feeling like I was part of the family? That is really hard to pinpoint, but it started small and simple.  His mother would call weekly for an update and many times it was me who spoke to her.  When children arrived it was me who told her the cute stories.  When my father-in-law was ill and needed care, it was me who took care of him. I was the one who remembered to send the birthday cards.  This is not unusual, as many women care for family members and relate family stories and activities. Communication scholars would say that I had adopted the role in the family as a kinkeeper and caregiver, through this process I began to self-identify with my husband’s family. C.  M. Prentice identified other roles that are assumed by new comers and they are: entertainers, kitchen helper, jokester, child entertainer, and many others. By adopting these roles, we begin to enter into the family.

According to Lopata, a sociologist, we gain our knowledge from everyday routines, from our ability to monitor our own behavior and explain it to others, and an understanding of what motivates our actions. Routines are then part of the foundation of our family interactions- some good, some bad- and are part of our family communication patterns. When a newcomer is introduced to the family those communication patterns are disrupted and therefore tension may be created.  This is normal. Those who are new should understand that gaining memberships is a process which most often happens through our communication activities and patterns. Family identity is created by the roles we assume in the family and continued social interaction. Through communication we begin to blend into a family.  We recognize our own behavior and have the ability to explain it to others.  We also have the ability to recognize why we act the way we do and why we say what we say. Through these processes their family can become our family and we are recognized as part of their family.

A final note.  The process for me did not happen in a blink. It took many years and of course, there were difficult times. My final thought is to remember that this is a process. While I was learning to blend into my husband's family I regularly pondered this – It took my mother and me many years to become close and create the relationship that we had. Therefore, it will take time for me to develop a close relationship with my husband’s family. I am no longer blessed to have either my mother or my mother-in-law in my life, but I can tell you that when they left this world – they were both my family.

References

Lopata, H. Z. (2012. In-laws and the concept of family. Marriage and Family Review, 28, 161-172.

Prentice, C. M. (2008). The assimilation of in-laws: The impact of newcomers on the communication routines of families. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 36, 74-97.