Mother-in-law or Monster-in-law? What kind of relationship do you have?

Julie calls her mother on the phone and says, “I just do not understand my mother-in-law, she says really mean things. She knows it hurts my feelings, yet she continues to say them.”

Julie’s mother, “Are you sure she knows it hurts your feelings?”

Julie, “I have never said anything, but she has to know.”

Hurt or confused feelings are often expressed in daily conversation, especially when a young daughter-in-law is seeking her mother-in-law's approval. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship has been identified as one of the most tumultuous family relationships. We live in a society where in-law relationships are joked about on television programs and in daily conversations. As far back as 1954, research participants named the mother-in-law relationships the most difficult family relationship 74% of the time.

The question arises, does this relationship matter?

  According to Rittenour and Soliz, family relationships are important because they teach us how to communicate and while we are busy communicating we are constructing our identity, our attitudes, and values. Studies have shown that young marrieds have a more satisfying marriage if they have a good relationship with their in-laws.

So….why is this one so difficult?

Rittenour & Soliz surveyed 190 married women asking them to identify things that influenced their relationship satisfaction with their mothers-in-law. The women identified several traits. A few of the negative issues include: 1) Feeling like an outsider – not being accepted as part of the family. 2) Feeling inferior - The mother-in-law is critical (Do these sound familiar?) Conversely, the women identified positive traits as well. Some of them were; being kind, accepting the daughter-in-law to the family, being helpful, and being a good grandmother. The study showed that not all mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships are negative – there are some women who maintain healthy relationships.

You might be asking yourself – Why are some positive and others negative? How do I create a positive relationship? There are things that will help negotiate the tensions experienced in the relationship. The first thing is to recognize there are two types of communication used in assimilating (Sounds like a Star Trek movie) a new family member. There is indirect and direct communication. Indirect communication can be recognized when the family continues with their normal routines and roles - they expect the new family member to catch on and just blend in. Another form of indirect communication exists when another family member is asked to be the mediator. This is normally the son and it may seem like a good solution – but it typically sends the message – “I do not want to talk to you” and it puts the son in the middle of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship and makes him choose a side.

Direct Communication is just that – direct. Family members typically share what is on their mind. For example – a mother-in-law may say to her daughter-in-law, “We do not see you as much as we would like.”

Let’s review a couple of the issues mentioned in the Rittenour and Soliz study and consider possible communication behaviors that may be helpful. Creating shared family identity was found to be very important to relationship satisfaction. A sense of belonging is created through communication and activities.The study participants identified negative behaviors of the mother-in-law - so mothers-in-law - here are a few suggestions.

• You can help your daughter-in-law gain membership by sharing family stories and rituals. This provides family history and gives her a sense about the family she is joining.
• Recognize and respect the divergent cultures and values that your daughter-in-law brings to the relationship, this will help you accept her; your daughter-in-law could even be allowed to share a few stories of her own.
• Acknowledge the daughter-in-law's opinions during a conversation and ask for clarification and look for commonalities. This sends the message that you are important and I am interested in what you have to say.

A common complaint is the mother-in-law is critical and this may be true, but often times it is a matter of perspective.This is true for everyone, in any relationship.

Rittenour and Soliz suggest the daughter-in-law's mother may influence a daughter-in-law’s feelings toward her mother-in-law. Refer back to the conversation at the beginning of this blog. The mother has several options when she continues the conversation with her daughter. She can agree with her daughter and reinforce her daughter's feelings or she can offer alternative perspectives and guide her daughter to consider other scenarios and reasoning for the behavior of her mother-in-law.

There is not a simple formula to creating a satisfying relationship with in-laws, yet Prentice found that when individuals become aware and increase their knowledge about family members, they tend to seek understanding and develop in more positive ways. (So – there is hope!) Communication offers ways to include, support, and encourage the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Healthy relationships are continually growing and evolving as are the participants. Learning to communicate positively requires practice and an open mind and heart.

References 
Duvall, E. M. (1954). In-laws: Pros and con. New York: Association Press.

Prentice, C. M. (2008). The assimilation of in-laws: The impact of newcomers on the communication routines of families. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 36(1), p. 74-97.

Rittenour, C., & Soliz, J. (2009). Communicative and relational dimensions of shared family identity and relational intentions in mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships: Developing a conceptual model for mother-in-law/daughter-in-law research. Western Journal of Communication, 73(1), p. 67-90.