Research Question: How does the relationship development literature apply to in-law relationships?
I have no contact with my childhood friends, my life took me away from my beginnings. Therefore, friends had to be found wherever I landed. Sometimes there was loneliness. Sometimes there was a longing for solitude. Is there a process for making friends? Do all friendships develop in the same way? What makes a person decide to invest in a friendship or to walk away?
All relationships start with the initial introduction, at which time we decide whether to pursue a more involved status. When I consider pursuing a relationship, I am looking for someone with common interests and compatible personality. According to research conducted by Robert Hays, those are typical qualities others look for as well. However, friendships are multi-faceted and there are many layers and factors involved in friendship development; such as geographic location, time constraints, companionship and others. We are also heavily influenced by our age, sex and nationality as we find and keep friendships. The society we live in has expectations of how we will act according to those categories.
We often weigh the benefits and costs of the relationship. What will I get and what will I have to give? According to "A Longitudinal Study of Friendship Development" this often happens within the first six weeks of a relationship. Men will spend increased time together. Women will increase their communication and verbal interplay. After the initial flurry (those first six weeks) we have often decided if the benefits outweigh the cost. If so, we continue the friendship. If not, the relationship moves to a casual acquaintance.
Some of those early benefits include affection which women rate most highly, while men rate companionship highly. But, as the relationship matures for both men and women, both of these traits are considered most desirable. Additionally, everyone is looking for a confidant and emotional support in their friendships. Secure friendships include intimacy, warmth, and a balance of control. Many relationships are seeking individuals to share with, to trust, and to dream with. These are often realized through disclosure – those things that we share as noted by Walker & Wright in their study of "Self-disclosure in Frienship."
Rober Hays found that men and women seem to develop their friendships in different ways. Men share activities like sports or outdoor recreation; whereas, women like to talk by going to dinner or visiting on the phone. Women tend to share more information with people that they like. However, communication is important for both male and female relationships. As a relationship matures - it also slows down. Research shows that developed friendships do not require a great deal of time. Instead people are looking for quality time spent with their friends. The relationship deepens and becomes more rewarding as individuals spend time together and share information. There is a cost with deepening relationships and that is emotional anxiety as lives become intertwined. This seems to exist in all relationships and most individuals view it as a normal part of close friendships.
It appears that it only takes 6 weeks to find a friend that you may keep for a life time. Through that friendship you will share and dream together. The more you share, the more the friend will share and the deeper the friendship will become. Women and men both need and look for similar characteristics in a friendship; yet, they do develop them a bit differently. Men like activity and women like to talk.
So, I wonder if this is important or relates to in-law relationships. Are in-law relationships similar to friendships? Or are the different? Most notably, in-law relationships are forced. But I do think there is a choice in the depth of the relationship, just like a friendship. It can be deep and satisfying or just casual. What do you think? I do find tension in calling an in-law relationship friendship because friendship is often identified as a place to share confidences. Is this a good idea for an in-law relationship? Shouldn’t the confidant be the spouse not his/her parent?
Resources
Walker, L. S. & Wright, P. H. (1976). Self-disclosure in friendship. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 42, 735-742.
Hays, R. B. (1985). A longitudinal study of friendship development. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 48, 909-924.
Teresa, I like your personal introduction which serves to connect you to the reader. Two things I would recommend. One, I'd like to get a clear sense of the main point of this blog from the title, and from the introduction. "Friendships" was just a little too general for my brain to focus. Two, can you cite your articles in the text? I'd like to see it clearly stated what info is from what article. Look at some of your fellow bloggers and see how they do it. I look forward to you making more connections between relationship development and in-law relationships, as you begin to do here!
ReplyDeleteDr. Reeder,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. I have edited the blog. Let me know if you like the changes.
Teresa
Yes, Yes, much clearer and more credible too!
DeleteTheresa,
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I think this is very interesting to think about. I didn’t ever think about how long it takes to make a good friend, but in reflecting upon the friendships that I have had for quite some time, I realize that they really deepen in the beginning, and then just seem to expand over time—deepening not as quickly as they did in the beginning. I also agree whole-heartedly that the friendships that last the longest don’t take as much time/effort to maintain. I have a few friends, some from my freshman college-days (circa 2000) and some from earlier than that. My oldest friend I met when I was just 4 years old. I don’t talk to any of these friends daily, maybe not even weekly, but when I do talk to them or see them, it’s as if time hasn’t passed and we just dive right into catching up on each other’s lives.
As far as in-law relationships go, I think you’re right on talking about confiding in your spouse over your in-laws. My parents have always been very careful to tell me that I needed to address certain things with my husband (now ex). My in-laws always wanted to jump in the middle and tell each of us (my ex and myself) how to handle whatever situation we were in, or even how to deal with each other. I do consider them all friends (they were always well-intentioned), but am now wondering if that was part of the problem… food for thought.
Thank you Charlotte. I appreciate your feedback. It is interesting to think of the in-law relationship as a friendship. I wonder if it could still be considered a friendship if there were no confidences shared? It just seems shallow to me.
DeleteWhen I think of anyone, especially in-laws, getting in the middle of a couple's interaction, I shudder. So, is it worse if it is the in-law?
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ReplyDeleteReally interesting blog post Teresa! It’s interesting to look at friendships and their development, especially since most of the relationship development stuff we seem to talk about focuses on romantic relationships. But most of us have only one romantic relationship and a varied amount of friendly relationships so it’s obviously important!
ReplyDeleteI like how you outlined the six week period to develop a friendship, it made me think about my friendships, when they started and how long it was before we became closer. I wonder how proximity and time relate to this idea though. Is it six weeks regardless of whether we see that person once a week or five times a week? Or if we spend more time with that person do we become friends sooner? I’m thinking about Jared’s post for this week and how he talked about making friends with people we work with … if we spend more time with people we can become friends with them so how does that play into the six week rule?
I also like how you related this information on friendships to in-law relationships. It’s interesting because most friendships you chose to be in so, when you are forced to be close with someone because they are your in-law, does that mean you have to be friends? I wonder if you could draw a comparison here with work friendships and how they are somewhat forced too.
Tabitha,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments. The study that used 6 weeks as the time frame for a relationship to develop was done on a university campus with freshman. It is possible the time frame could be altered by distance and also by the amount of time the two individuals spend together. As I think about my friendships, I usually know within those first six weeks if I am going to continue. It would be interesting to find another study where those involved were not college freshman and some of the circumstances you mentioned were addressed.
I plan on drawing a comparison with other forced relationships, like work, or sibling, or technology later in the year.