Research question:  How does the relationship development literature apply to in-law relationships?

Here I am trying to create a relationship with the woman my son has fallen in love with and married.  She is a stranger to me, yet she is my family.  Family implies many things to many people, but to me – it is safety – it is home. A home filled with individuals who are related through blood or marriage. Not a home devoid of differing opinions, but a place where those opinions are respected. My home is full of individuals who do not always like each other, but they always “love” each other.  There is commitment.

Where do she and I begin?  How does she address me? How do I want to be addressed? Most relationships start because the two people involved want to develop a friendship.  In-law relationships are different because you do not have the option of completely ignoring your in-law. If you do, there are consequences.  Although both parties were thrown together because of mutual connections, they still have input into the relationship. They must make the decision to initiate that rapport. Most individuals in this circumstance will try to engage with the other person, howbeit for many varied reasons.

Scholars have suggested that relationships develop in stages. Step 1 then step 2 and so on. Does a relationship really develop that nice and neat or does it ebb and flow, like a tug-of-war (Freudian slip)? I think it is messy and that it is more like a tug-of-war and sometimes with in-law relationships, it feels more contentious and emotional. Timothy D. Stephen from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute conducted a study to evaluate how relationships develop. Earlier studies had suggested that commitment and relationship satisfaction were key factors in the development. His findings suggest that time together creates similarities among the partners – which in turn creates this commitment and satisfaction. It means time is a key indicator of relationship development since we tend to associate with those who are most like us.

Amy Jana Johnson, Elaine Wittenberg, Melinda Morris Villagran, Michelle Mazur and Paul Villagran studied relationship development in 2010 and found that most friendship development was complex and it was affected by “turning points” which are defined as shared activities. These activities are not always positive, but that does not mean it is not a natural and normal part of friendship. There is always contradiction. Some relationships are more subdued than others, but all relationships feel tension. For example, how does an in-law offer advice to their new in-law child or should they? How is this advice received?

Johnson, Wittenberg, Villagran, Mazur, & Villagran suggest that relationships “cycle” between periods of development and periods of deterioration. This cycle is affected by and through communication. Relationships are constantly being renegotiated by the way we talk about those “turning points”.  I think that any relationship begins with the negotiation of what type of relationship is wanted.  Do I want to be close or casual? (Understanding that there is always a cost in this decision.) This applies to in-law relationships as well.  But, do we even consider talking about this with our new in-law family? (Failing to talk about it is still communication.)  Multiple studies claim that sharing information creates closeness and improves relationships.  The message here – Share what you think and how you feel. Share your time. 

Johnson and her associates found a few common forces that effect relationship development.  They are personality traits, sharing common interests, and giving support.  When I consider my in-law relationships, I recognize they are different and  personalities definitely play a role.  For instance, one of my sons-in-law was also a communication major. We actually had some classes together.  We share common personality traits and interests and talk about communication often.  I have daughter-in-law who loves to cook.  Those days are past for me, but we can still talk about food.  (Who doesn’t love good food?) I think it is important to understand that each relationship we are involved in is unique and that through sharing activities and talking, we are developing associations with in-laws and spending the time needed to create a relationship.

Think back to my analogy of “tug of war”.  The rope is held at each end by a participant, each wanting to represent their side.  There is constant tension. Consider that the participants are two individuals trying to develop a relationship.  While they are tugging at the rope they are traveling in time. How tired are they both going to be if there is not some give and take?  When one side pulls, the other relaxes, yet keeps some tension in the rope. They keep some tension because they both want to keep some control over the relationship and maintain their individual identity. As time passes they become more proficient at the give and take because they have developed a relationship through time and association.

Sources

Fixed Sequences and Circular-Causal Models of Relationship Development: Divergent Views on the Role of Communication in Intimacy written by Timothy D. Stephen. Printed in the Journal of Marriage and Family – November 1985.

Relational Progression as a Dialectic: Examining Turning Points in Communication among Friends written by Amy Janan Johnson, Elaine Wittenberg, Melinda Morris Villagran, Michelle Mazur, and Paul Villagran.  Printed in Communication Monographs – 2003.